21st February 2016 - Eat Pray Love

Well, that was a shocker of a few days. I don't think I felt more vulnerable or have such little control of this journey since the initial phone call to say I was diagnosed with this breast cancer. To recap from my post on Thursday (as I may have rambled a tad, as my brain scrambled for cover a tad - lets face it, it left the building) my visit was not with my surgeon as he was on leave. So these are the facts from the visit. The sentinel nodes which are the first line of defence outside of the breast were all positive for cancer. The tumour itself in the breast was completely excised and while the margin of breast tissue surrounding that tumour was clear of cancer cells, the margin itself was too narrow to clear me of any other cells outside of that area. (Meaning there could be a rogue cell somewhere in the breast tissue.) My cancer is stage 2b Grade 3 (the grade means its in lymph glands the stage means its an aggressive son of a bitch) So the young doctor I saw suggested the following. Complete removal of all lymph glands in the armpit and a mastectomy. So that's when I fell apart. Now, the feeling Rick and I had was this pathology report was not what this doctor was expecting at all. Remember that we had been told all the way through that it was early and it was tiny. I also had asked my surgeon at the very first meeting, if i needed to consider a mastectomy and he said no. He was doing breast conserving surgery, however I might need a little more after the results were back. The doctor we saw on Thursday said he usually reads the pathology before he sees the patient, but he hadn't done so with me, and that he probably should have and should have spoken to his boss. He did go off to try and discuss it further (I assume with someone more superior) but wasn't able to speak with anyone. So we signed the paperwork for the surgery and headed off to pre admission. I signed the paperwork simply because I knew that I still could change my mind and alter the surgery. I just wanted to be in the surgery queue so to speak and not delay treatment. Unfortunately because my brain went into meltdown and all I was focussing on was the word Mastectomy, I couldn't think of questions I should have asked, so I went away distressed and basically shut down. I felt for that young doctor, and I think he came up with the only plan he could offer at the time and I think I needed time to work out what I needed to know. Truthfully, it's taken me till today, to finally get myself together, and start putting questions in order and to focus on what I should have done in the first place and that was not that I was looking at a mastectomy, but this bastard of a disease is now in my lymphatic system and that system circulates right round my body. On Friday I contacted my Breast Care Nurse Megan, and Rick and I are seeing her tomorrow after I finish work. I'll also have time tomorrow to talk to my boss/doctor and discuss questions I have and maybe take some more to a meeting with my surgeon when I meet with him well prior to the surgery date. And thanks to my very much loved friends Donna and David, who came round last night and we sat and talked a lot of things through (and shared laughs and giggles) I finally feel I have some control back and I feel armed and ready to face the coming weeks. The photo above is an old one, but a prime example of how we've always solved the problems of the world. Together! xxxx