Quicky update.

This morning, while waiting on the phone with centrelink for over two hours, I started to update the blog and let you know how I was fairing. This time round hasn't been easy, the emotional side has gotten to me and I have found myself in unfamiliar territory with no smile, but I am getting to the other side. I am not bouncing back as I'd like. I'm still very exhausted, very disoriented due to the weird buzzing feeling in my head, and I've lost all the weight again plus a little more. However, I will put one foot in front of the other, and I will as always, try to put my best foot forward.

But after my two hours on the phone with centrelink, to find out what has been happening with my claim lodged mid March and explaining the difficulties we were facing after trying to go it alone, and them promising to fast track my claim, I am still waiting to be assessed, and I'm in no mood to finish the writing I started. I'm done and I am beyond exhausted. Thankfully we have the support of our families through this bit. But it seems that because we have worked all our lives, we've been self employed, and did the worst thing possible by having a small family trust in place, we have made it very difficult to have my claim assessed. It seems that paying our taxes, being good people, and trying to do things for ourselves and the community, is not that way to go. And despite being told by various people in the government departments I've spoken with that the claim is being finalised twice now, it is not. The family trust has been assessed, now I have to wait for the assessment team to finalise the actual claim.

Well, I've technically done most of these!

So it seems that the way to get help in Australia now, is to be unemployed, to do nothing to better yourself, to certainly not try and support your family and your community and god forbid you try to earn a living along the way. Then when life goes in a different direction, and times get tough and you tighten your belt, try to live without what other people would consider necessities such as insurances, so that you can keep on trying to work, it's all for nought. While the people I have spoken to on the phone have been kind and have tried, it seems the protocols they must follow do not recognise those who have put in the hard yards in life. I actually feel for those people who work on the phones for centrelink. It has to be a thankless job. But I fear for the future of a country who rewards those who won't help themselves, and discriminates against those who actually give a flying f&@K.

As you can therefore imagine, I'm not in the best frame of mind to be writing flippant and funny comments. We are being looked after by our family and we'll get there. I may have lost my smile, but it will be back. However, my inner bitch has made a big return.

But I can't leave this update, without some smart comment on today :)

QUICK EDIT - got a phone call to say this afternoon the claim is all finalised and approved. Thank god.... my smile is coming back :)

Going Going GONE!

When you have to start using one of these to get rid of the hairs off the pillow and sheets, the lounge, and any where else you've sat..... well it starts to get bloody annoying. I was constantly feeling like I'd walked out of the hairdressers with a prickly neck, and then the chemo nurse yesterday couldn't believe how much hair I dropped just sitting in the chair after three or so hours. THEN the look on the ladies faces at the wig library this morning after trying on 4 different wigs and leaving hair absolutely everywhere... well it was obvious that it was time. I came home, took off the scarf and all I could see was dead lifeless hair and a couple of sneaky thinning spots. So, It was time to face the reality that my hair no longer looked healthy, was more annoying than a cat shedding and it just needed to go!

Rick decided he wanted to do the job for me.... and while he started off fine, he did seem to be enjoying himself way too much. So I found a job for him that needed doing outside, and Kiah took over to finish it off. I was somewhat pleased (as much as one can be when trying to do a GI Jane impersonation) that I have a reasonable shaped scalp. But I do have a cold scalp now, so its beanies at night, scarves and hats and wigs during the day. Rick keeps grinning at me and telling me how beautiful I am (bless his little cotton socks. I'm having my revenge tomorrow as he seriously needs a haircut and is refusing to use a hairdresser) Michael tells me I look like I have a koala's butt (we told him that's what his hair looked like ever since he was a little kid) And Kiah is just loving the shape of my head. So everyone's pretty happy... I'll get there, but will be content with hats, scarves, beanies and wigs in the meantime.

So here's how it all went down.... so to speak.

My new fashion accessory, Wiggy the wig.

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house,
My hair was dropping everywhere, falling quietly as a mouse.

But big "SO THERE" to Mr Oncologist who said I'd only have 10% by today... I still have about half. Thank god for thick thick hair. Here's my trick. Don't brush it, don't comb it, be gently when playing with scarves and beanies... and for the love of god DON'T SHAMPOO IT!  Did that on Monday, and well lets just say it was coming out faster than last week's favourite at Randwick.

We saw my oncologist last Friday who was happy with my progress and was confident that the swelling in the my neck has reduced to virtually nothing. I check in with him again in a month.

Tomorrow is chemo day. That's come around quick. I am not as anxious as I thought I would be. Probably because I feel better prepared and will know what to expect this time. I've got some extra meds to help out, and given that chemo is in the afternoon, I'm hoping I'll sleep through the worst part of the first day. Then, all going well, I have an appointment with the wig library on Thursday. Thinking I'll stick with brunette. While the blonde looked nice.. it's just not me.

So like the dandelion, I think I'm prepared for when my hair finally goes "poof" in a good breeze. People have said just clipper it off, and I have to admit that having hair literally falling, and walking around feeling like I've just had my hair cut and the hairdresser has forgotten to brush off the ends, I am going to be a long time without my hair. It's the last part of feeling normal. So despite leaving my winter coat all over the house, the bath towels and the pillows... I'll just hang on to that last little bit of the old me thanks. For now, anyway :)

The Sky is Falling... ummmm Nope... It's Just My Hair.

So last night I was sitting chatting with a fellow cancer fighter who was steeling herself for chemo today and we were talking general inane crap when we were pondering when my very thick hair would start to shed. My scalp has been itchy and irritated for days. Next minute I casually ran my hand through my hair as you do....... and there in my hand would have been about 2 dozen hairs..... Shit.

I have to admit, I knew it was coming, I had been warned, but it still made my heart skip a beat.

This was the next big step. This is where I go from someone who looks fine, who you would walk past in the street and not tell the battle my family and I are facing, and I would become "that person". I would be recognisable as a cancer patient. Shit Poo Bum.

I had a sook and a little cry in the shower this morning. But then, the big girl undies came out... again. And I pulled them on... again. And got on with the day... again. I put my plans into overdrive. Kiah and Lilly came over and took me to spotlight, and we picked up some fabric to make groovy hats to keep my head warm in the cooler months, practiced a bit of scarf tying, and then I did the unthinkable. I asked my poor daughter to take nude boob photos of her mum. She took it in her stride and to her credit, did an amazing job. We even got Rick involved and anyone who knows Rick, knows he likes having his photo taken about as much as Clive Palmer enjoys a good interview with Kochie about his floundering failed factory up north. (If you missed that interview, go find it. It was a good barney). I had thought about asking Michael to do the photograph... but well.. asking my son to position my hands over my nipples properly... well there's just some things you don't ask you son to do. I think he'll agree with that ;)

So here they are... a massive thank you to my gorgeous daughter. Her bravery in doing this was not unnoticed. The girls, my hair and the love of my life. xxx

Birthday Cake, a Uni Course, Centrelink and a girly morning.

Gee a week since I've posted! I've finally had a week where things were semi normal (can they ever be in the Fischer household?) and I've actually managed to get things done. Day 10 post chemo saw a more normal feeling of wellness return. I can eat most things, if they appeal to me. Well except fish and chips. We decided Sunday night to treat ourselves to fish and chips from a local shop. And while it was well cooked and the chips were lovely and fresh, it appears my tolerance for that sort of fat has dropped off somewhat, and I was left feeling rather green around the gills. Rick was fine so it wasn't a case of off food, just my liver yelling at me WTF do you think you are doing to me????!!!!!  (for those who don't know WTF is an acronym for What The F@*$) I dropped 3 kilos in the first week post chemo, and for the first time in my life I'm actually concerned about losing weight! I think I've put about half a kilo back on, but if even 2 kilos per treatment, well that's 16 kilos gone. That would have me at 60 kilos. All I can say is thank god I have my curves.

Anyway, I should have been kinder to my poor liver. It's trying to process and get rid of a lot of shit going through my system. So fish and chips is off the menu till probably summer.

Last Thursday was Kiah's birthday, and I really felt the need to do something normal so decided to make her a birthday cake. Then I got the idea to be adventurous and make her a giant cup cake.... then I saw reason, and my ability to beat about a kilo of frosting... so I rang Sammy and enlisted her help. Well, talk about an afternoon of giggles, and sprinkles and frosting and more giggles. Firstly I needed some very specific ingredients and as much as I love my husband, and trust him to do things for me, the controlling birthday cake nazi in me just couldn't let me leave him to purchase the right items. I mean lets face it, despite me telling him where it would all be located, making sure he bought mini marshmallows as well as normal marshmallows probably isn't high on his priority list and does he even know what the difference is between icing sugar and icing mixture. I had been very specific and explained in no uncertain terms that the items on the list MUST make it into the trolley. I had visions of him getting confused in the baking aisle and some sort of emergency call over the supermarket PA system, "Husband down in aisle 7... Husband down Code Red, this is not a drill people!!"  I could imagine the old dears standing back, tut tutting saying to each other, "Oh the poor dear, he didn't stand a chance". In the end it all got the better of me and I went in and we were out again in about 15 minutes. The experience was as I had thought. After asking twice, "do we really need that?" ... a couple of withering looks from me, and the job was done.

The cake idea in theory was a brilliant one, The practical side... well let's just say that Samantha and I whilst pleased with our efforts, won't go into professional cake decorating any time soon, nor shall we ever make marshmallow flowers again. Ever. By the time we finished, there was no room on the table, in the sink or on the bench. Rick's only duty was to mind our 4 mth old grandson, James. They had a great afternoon together. They both napped through most of it.

End result was a very pretty (albeit somewhat lopsided) cake. It tasted... well it was store bought cake, so it was a very pretty cake :)  and we had a lovely morning tea for my girl's birthday.

So inspired by my ability to do something other than face plant on the couch and stay there all day, I spotted an online free uni course on learning about food as medicine.  I decided after looking into it, that 4 hours a week for 3 weeks is something I could manage, was a topic I was interested in and thought, well, why not. I signed up. Man I haven't studied since... well a very very long time. So this should be interesting. I will get a pretty piece of paper that says I completed this course... Monash University.. blah blah blah... and I can say that yes, I have studied at Uni, No one really needs to know the duration hah!

Then it was time to tackle the issue of Centrelink. While it would be lovely to think we can afford for me to have 12 months off work, we kissed those pesky insurance policies goodbye when the going got tough back in the GFC. A lack of work in the building industry in this area... and bingo... a diet of toast and baked beans is looking like the menu for a while. And I dislike baked beans. We've been treated very kindly by the staff at Centrelink I will say that. I guess if you dress nicely (actually wear shoes and your undies aren't seen above your pants which are down near your knees) be respectful that procedures and policies must be followed, and you haven't claimed since.. well ever, then likely you will receive similar treatment and respect. However, apparently having a family trust in place (like a lot of small mum and dad businesses have in place) throws them into total confusion and all paperwork is sent off to experts which currently I've advised, takes 42 days to review. Suffice to say, the lengthy wait on the phone and subsequent phone call is marking our claim as a priority and we hope to have some communication from them early next week. In the meantime, I keep filling out forms sent to us, and duly sending them back. Did I mention how much I dislike paperwork.

And lastly, yesterday, Kiah and I attended a workshop put on by the Cancer Patient Foundation called the Look Good Feel Better workshop. Each cancer patient received a beautiful basket of lovely skin care products and makeup all donated by the beauty industry. These products were of such a high quality and the big names were there, Clinique, Rimmel, Estee Lauder and I got such a thrill to see a lip shine by a little Aussie company called Dusty Girls. This company is based in Beenleigh and pride themselves on all natural products. We tried wigs, scarves and had a blast. It was a little confronting to see such beautiful ladies facing their hair loss and realising that in a week, I too will have that fine bit of fluff covering my head. Lets face it. It's cute on a 6 month old, not on a 50 year old. This is my next hurdle. Facing the world in my scarves and hats and people recognising that I am a cancer patient. I've booked in to the Wig Library the day after my next chemo. These are wigs supplied by the Cancer Council for patients suffering hair loss, for the duration of their treatment. Given that my hair wont start growing back till about a month after the end of my treatment, and will probably take 6 months to get a decent coverage, I better get used to, and professional at tying scarves. I am grateful that it will be during winter so I wont be feeling the heat, and I know I should be grateful that yes, I'm alive. But would you like to be without your hair for 12 months?

Anyhoo, back to the workshop. We had a ball, I had makeup applied by the retired head of an international beauty product company and lots of giggles. I did try a blonde wig. I don't think it's really me and I'll stick to brunette till my own makes its shining return!

Quickie WOOHOO

Quick WOOHOO moment this morning. Woohoo #1. I CAN enjoy water, it just has to be really really cold. Woohoo #2 I just noticed that the swelling in my neck where the cancer has gone into the glands above my collarbone.... is nearly gone! Woo freaking hoooooooo

Making a comeback...

Like a bad and corny Rocky Balboa sequel, I'm making a comeback! Today I was awake ALL DAY!! WOOT GO ME!  I managed to get down to the dam for an early cuppa, then I managed to stay on my butt for the rest of the day. I did get a bit of a look at the new veggies sprouting in the garden we planted before I started the chemo, so it's a little metaphorical to watch them sprout as I'm starting to feel human again. The dizziness was the pain today, settled around mid afternoon but came back this evening. I think I may have overdone it a tad walking to the gardens this afternoon and back down to the dam. Poor Rick wanted to show me some of the work he's done near the house. As much as I wanted to stay and look, the legs were having different ideas. Today was what it is like when you're coming back from a really really bad flu. Heavy dead limbs, still not much appetite, and a weird head.

Did I mention the beautiful moment when we saw our resident ducks bond together in a touching moment together that hopefully means we'll see little Pacific Black ducklings in the not too distant future... In other words, Dave had his wicked way with Mabel, nearly drowned her doing the deed, then Mabel spent the next 10 minutes haughtily cleaning herself up on the dam wall like a deflowered debutante at the local ball. Gotta love nature :)

Day 3 post chemo - Hellloooo fatigue.

Was hoping this wouldn't hit too bad. But no, today was Donna can't get out of bed day. Having slept most of the day away, at 4.15pm I'm still in pjs, (albeit clean ones I did shower!) and I could easily crawl back into bed now. But I do need to desperately wash my hair. (lol won't have that problem in a couple of weeks) So short post today. Tomorrow is day 4, hope to have the drugs coming out of my system, hoping that there'll be more energy... we shall see.

Chemo cocktail....... Ladies Night out Cocktails..... Same consequence

Well Wednesday morning I was superwomen. I was strong, determined and ready to take on the world and this Chemo cocktail. Then, like after a bad night at the local on "ladies drink free night" I was a mess minus the "I love you guys"! But thankfully with my shoes, my undies and most of my dignity intact.

We arrived at the clinic to be greeted by Sarah, my lovely nurse who was to hook me up to the machines. She ran through the different procedures, explained exactly what she was doing, we chatted about all and sundry, the lovely Cancer Council volunteer lady brought us coffees and biscuits and before I knew it we were underway. First one (the red devil as its known) went through no dramas. Thank god for the port in my chest/shoulder. No discomfort whatsoever, so thank you medical oncologist for insisting that be inserted. The second drug however, did make me feel a bit weird, warm flush, weird in the head (Rick found that amusing) so they slowed it down to take the full hour to run through. Got through all that, came home armed with all my meds, had lunch thought this is good, I got this.... and then.... it went down hill.

Let's just say, the Maxolon might help a bit of a belly bug, but it doesn't really stand up overly well to these chemo cocktails. I literally nearly passed out on the floor, couldn't get water into me, so chronic headache, couldn't eat, couldn't shower because I couldn't stand up, so I was bundled to bed and there Rick sat waiting for me to finally fall asleep to get through till morning when I could start the hard core anti-nausea meds. He hasn't left my side since. I haven't been able to drive since the port a cath was put in a bit over a week ago. He helps shower and dress me when I can't, he's doing all the cooking and cleaning. I could not do this without him beside me all the way. Thankfully the supercharged anti nausea meds got me through yesterday. I was still fragile, not much appetite to speak of, but at least I could drink water, so the headache was duller and Rick looked a bit more relieved.

Kiah came down and gave me my injection to hopefully supplement my white cell count through the next 20 days. It won't turn me into superwoman, but hopefully will keep me out of hospital due to any sort of infection or bug. I still won't be able to go to any shops, be around sick people etc, but with a bit of luck it will keep me well if I'm sensible. Generally this injection causes ache in the bigger bones, so legs and hips, as the bone marrow goes into overdrive building me some new cells, but the gods must have been kind and I didn't get that last night. So there's my positive for today :)  I did find out why they say to be careful of the sun yesterday, I went down by the dam for a cup of tea and ginger nut biscuit (my new friend because I can't stand straight ginger) and after 15 minutes I was already sunburnt sitting in full shade. I'll make sure I increase sun safety measures because I believe in the benefits of being in fresh air.

I'm so looking forward to next week. NO APPOINTMENTS! I don't drive into that hospital or clinic till the 15th when I visit with my Medical Oncologist (by which time my hair should have started to thin/fall out) then next blood test 19th and then next treatment 20th April. I've received so many messages from people who know of me through mutual friends and family that I feel so blessed and loved. I've said all the way through this, if cancer could be cured through love and kindness, there'd be no cancer.