It's Christmas Eve Eve!!!!

Twas the morning before the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... except Donna who was up at Stupid O'clock, because she's now in some sort of chemo induced menopause and apparently sleeping isn't required, and hot flashes make Summer just that more delightful .... sigh.  But it's Christmas Eve Eve!!! One of my most favourite times of year. Kids are driving the parents NUTS because the smell of wrapping paper and tinsel is so very very close, parents are losing their you know what, because despite all that planning, Mum just realised that she forgot the fresh cream for the pav, Dad's just realised that he didn't stash extra AA batteries in the shed for he kid's presents like he thought, Grandma and Grandad need to get just one more present for their precious Grandbabies, and everyone is nuts because... well because we just tend to drive ourselves that direction because so much emphasis is put on just one day.

This year for me, my fruit is still in a rum stupour in the old tupperware lettuce holder waiting me to get my butt into gear and turn it into Mrs Fanning's Light Fruitcake (or Aunty Al's dark fruitcake, depending on what ingredients I remembered to buy and stick in the pantry) - side note, Mrs Fanning was the neighbour of my Nan in Biggenden. I don't remember much about her. I do remember Mrs Fanning's fruitcake recipe! I am so not organised, but at the same time, I'm a bit "well, it'll all happen on the day" Note to self, I think I'm going to run out of dog biscuits. Pick some up after the meeting today.

So, where am I at today? Well, I'm a bit all over the place truthfully. This time last year, our grandson was put back into hospital, less than a week old. He'd tested positive to a virus that had to be checked and monitored. We'd decided not to share that with the extended family till we had more information and knew he was okay. Mr Jimmy Giggle turned one last week, and is powering ahead. This time last year, I found a lump in my breast. I decided not to share that with the family till we had more information, and I knew that most times, lumps in the breast were nothing more than cysts or fibrous tissue.  That worked out well. But the battle was fought, the journey was travelled and now, I'm getting ready to head back to work.

Yesterday was my checkup with Dr Mitra (my chemo oncologist) and final specialist appointment for 2016 YAY ME! We discussed a variety of symptoms I've been experiencing, and like I've done in the past, I baffled him. Nothing major, just a few annoying symptoms that can't really be attributed to anything. So we're just going with me being weird. If you think about what my body has endured, and the cocktails of chemicals and that the human body is so individual, it's normal that each of us recover in various ways. But at the end of the day, he was relatively happy and we discussed the next part which is waiting. Triple Negative breast cancer has a higher recurrence in the first 2 - 3 years. So I have to be vigilant for symptoms. Watch if anything needs pain relief persistently. Be vigilant with my health and my weight. (as of yesterday I'm now 68.3 kilos - about 10 kilos down from the start of this lovely adventure) Goal weight will be 65 kilos. So nearly there. Down side is no work clothes fit. So I've been spotted at nearly every op shop between Hervey Bay and Kenilworth. I love the op shop at Imbil. It's so well laid out and clean. The one at Kenilworth is... well an adventure itself but man did I score myself a bargain there.  A gorgeous dress by an aussie designed for $5!!!! I've heard there is a particularly good one in Maryborough. I'll be heading there shortly!

So how does one stop one's brain from exploding while we tick off the months for the next few years. Well that's simple really, One puts her hand up to help organise a 2-3 day event for the Fraser Coast with a budget of about $400 000. (remind me that I used the word simple when we're a week out and I'm pulling my hair out trying to co ordinate 100 trade stall holders, demonstrators, horses, cattle, donkeys, alpacas, goats, kids, bull riders, cowboys and their utes, muso's and the general public).

What have I gotten myself into?? Glad you asked :)  My friend Natasha had an idea to do an equestrian expo on the Fraser Coast. I've had a hankering for a decent country music concert on the Fraser Coast. We had a few coffees about it, and we've attended a few equestrian expos, and we decided to broaden it to what has become the Coastal Country Lifestyle Muster. (Name shortened to CCLM or something else. We admit it's a bit of a mouthful) So basically what it is, is showcasing our gorgeous Fraser Coast lifestyle of acreage living. Hobby farming, growing your own food, eating your own food, learning to be kind to the flora and soil we are trying to grow our food bowls in and generally being self sufficient. Just for kicks, and to give all members of the family something to enjoy, we're kicking off with a bull riding rodeo on the Friday night. Then Saturday it's all systems go with displays on gardening, equestrian displays, lots and lots of trade stalls covering all areas of the lifestyle we are showcasing, kids activities including their own little concert and then a family concert into the afternoon. There'll also be a good old fashioned Ute Muster for the boys at the same time. Everyone one loves a good bushy ute! Sunday (probably known as hangover day) will continue on with displays, but a more laid back feel, wandering buskers, bush poets and a talent contest, all wrapped up by early afternoon. Are you exhausted yet??? I am hah!. We've had good feedback from the entities in the area that deal with these types of events, and had a meeting with the mayor this week who is very excited and offering their support and backing for our event. Our mentor who runs the showgrounds said at the last meeting that she gets goosebumps when she thinks about what we have planned. My response was that I have nightmares LOL.  So why am I doing this. Because I love our area, I believe we need to get back to our Nan's backyards of chooks veggies and the old lemon tree. (though I remember Nan's mulberry tree, not so much the lemon one) and I believe we NEED to get our kids back to this lifestyle and away from computers and virtual reality games. They need to feel dirt, they need to fall over and scrape their knees and we ALL need to get back to basics and learn to feed ourselves. And I NEED to have a focus and a goal that takes up a good portion of my brain. I will not sit and worry for the next 2 - 3 years that things will go pear shaped. No doubt I will have the odd moment. But I need to live, not wait. So that's what I will do.

Now, I need to go find the rum. That Christmas Cake will not cook itself.

Happy Christmas everyone xxx

P.S. Until the website is up and running - check out CCLM on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/CCLifestylemuster/

Cancer You Picked the WRONG Chick!

Well with only 7 weeks left of 2016, Rick and I can finally breath, finally plan and finally enjoy what's left of the year. Why? Because I am officially done!! No more surgeries, no more treatment, I am done, done done.

Our visit to my lovely surgeon today, heralded the best news ever. I went in expecting to be told, that those pesky nodes in the armpit that showed up in the last two scans, would be removed. But no, after the team meeting with the local specialists, and a phone call to one spectacular Professor in Brisbane, the decision has been made that I am to be treated as a person who no longer has cancer in her body, and I move to the next phase of watching. I will be seeing my surgeon and my oncologist every 6 months, which actually means I'll see someone every three months. At each visit I will have a thorough examination, I will have mammograms and ultrasounds every 6 months with the occasional CT scan thrown into the mix. They and I will be vigilant of any symptoms and my health. My goal is to drop another 5 kilos to get me to about 66kg and increase my exercise. My diet is pretty good so I'm heading in the right direction.

The word "cure" today was used, but I'm not yet comfortable to hear or accept that yet. I know that my particular cancer has a higher risk than other breast cancers, or recurrence in the first 3 years. So I'm going to go with remission for now. Having said that, I will do my utmost, to put this now behind me. I will spend the next 8 weeks working on improving my health and healing from the chemo and radiation and getting ready to get back to work in January.

This year has been long and hard for our family, but there are also families for whom it's been just as difficult or traumatic and worse. We are lucky, we can put this behind us and move forward. Others have not been so fortunate, and I am so grateful for the second chance I've been given.

We've also received so much love and support from so many people. Lots of lovely offers have been made, and while most haven't been taken up, just the gesture meant the world to us. Rick and I are so not used to being people in need of help, we are usually ones to help out. So the role reversal has been challenging, and humbling. But the love shown to us, and our families, has been overwhelming and just beautiful and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I will still pop in here to say Hi and keep you all up to date after each visit. Thank you for following my "adventure" and thank you for the love xxx

Are We There Yet???

Well I had hoped to be able to let you all know by now, that all treatment is finished, and now I'm just taking some time to heal my body, find my new normal (pfffft as if I'll ever be normal) and find some real enjoyment in the last part of this year before I return to work in January. Well as we know, this road is never straight let alone straight forward. So here's an update thus far.

My last was during the last week of radiation therapy. That was fun, the dial was turned up and I was given what they call a "boost" week. So the highest radiation they can give the body to the neck tumour site, the axilla (remember I hadn't had the surgery in that area that's usually done, due to it spreading to the neck and therefore being rushed into chemo treatment) and to the tumour site to the neck. My fatigue increased, and I experienced some breakdown in the skin to the neck and the top of the breast area, but I really feel I got off lightly compared to many who go through this. I also had my fabulous mask to wear to lock me into place for the treatment to the neck. Thankfully I discovered I wasn't too claustrophobic and handled that okay as well.

Following the radiation, I got to put my handprint on the radiation clinic wall to signify the end of treatment. My mum had treatment there 12 months ago for skin cancer, and I got to squeeze my little hand in with hers. That meant a lot to me.

The next week I had my bone scan and full body CT as well, and the results came back really good with no real sign of cancer left. So we're all pretty happy with that news. But as always there's always a "but"  I am waiting on a decision from the multiple disciplinary team as to whether I have more surgery to the armpit to remove the nodes that showed up as enlarged in my scan just prior to starting radiation treatment.

It's been explained to me this way. The normal process for my breast cancer treatment, following the discovery of the cancer in the sentinel nodes (remember they are the fist line of defence and if the cancer wasn't there, it wasn't further in the body) was for mastectomy and full clearance of the nodes in the armpit, then chemo and radiation to mop up any leftover cancer cells. But because I'm so freaking special, and the cancer was found in the node in the neck, I had to have chemo to stop the spread of the disease. So now they need to go back and consider whether the correct procedure will be to watch and observe these small nodes in my armpit, or is it safer to just remove them, and that way the can look at them and determine if there are any cancer cells in them. 

I was never happy with the idea of this, I'd been warned of the high risk of lymphedema (I've added a link here so you can read all about it, just click on the link). However my surgeon feels that with the new way of removal etc, my risk will be minimal, as long as I'm careful. Either way, if they decide that's the best course of action for me, and that means the risk of recurrence is reduced, then I'll take it thanks.

I have an appointment to see him again on Monday. By then they'll have had their specialists team meeting and he'll have spoken with Professor Ung in Brisbane who has been involved in my case all the way through. If it's surgery, I'm classed category one which is surgery within 30 days, so I am hoping to be still on track to return to work in January :) YAY Happy Days!!

In the meantime, I have had other lovely days to celebrate. Our beautiful Lilly bug turned one the day I finished treatment. These grandbabies of ours have given us such light to an otherwise crappy year. I know I complained long and loud when the kids decided that they'd both have babies together and I'd become a nana twice 8 weeks apart, but the cuddles and kisses (and videos when they or I have been too unwell to be round them) has kept me going this year.

Also we had our Girls Night In and I got to talk to all the lovely ladies there about my journey. Firstly let me apologise for talking so long. But many of you know me, my family and my friends, and I wanted to to really grasp this journey. We've all attended these nights, and listened to these statistics and talks for years now, yet I was completely blindsided by this. I wanted it to be personal so that you would really take in the information that could help you or your friend who might find themselves walking this walk. I promise to anyone else if I get to speak to your group, I will keep it much shorter lol.  

The great news is that the weekend raised just over $1000 so great job girls!!!

So that's it for now, stay tuned folks and as soon as I get more news on Monday, I'll let you all know.

Thank you for all the love and support shown to Rick, Kiah Michael and me, my family and my friends. I'm hoping that we really are nearly at the end of this treatment and all that's to happen is wait out the next 3 years and be cancer free. xxx

Are We There Yet????

Its Wednesday!!!! That means I have 7 days of radiation treatment left!!!! 7 days of filling in my day with stuff till I have to drive down and spend half an hour with my big friendly machine. 7 days and my time is back to being my own. Auspiciously, my last day of treatment coincides with our granddaughter Lilly's 1st birthday! 30 treatments done and dusted.

As usual, I don't do things easily. This last treatment will deliver the highest boost of radiation that they can give me, to the breast and armpit. Then they come in, reposition my arms down by my side, strap my Hannibal Lecter mask on and pin me to the table and give the node in my neck the largest dose as well.

My skin has held up very well considering most people end up with nasty burns, sometimes blistering.  It is tingly like when you first get a sunburn, up until last week, the scar site would ache as would my armpit (those pesky nodes). I now spend longer in the bathroom applying 4 different creams to the area to avoid the nasty burning issues, and come out looking like I've been plastered with zinc cream. But worth the effort if I can avoid the worst of it.

HAIR HAIR EVERYWHERE!!!   I have now got a full coverage of hair about 0.5 cm long along with some fine wispy baby fluff about 1.5cm. The male pattern baldness area has been the last to cover in, but I'm ready I think, that by the start of next week, I'll walk down the street without a hat or scarf.... I am SOOOOOO over hats and scarves. The wig was never my thing and now a hat just makes my head itch.  But the down side????? I have to shave my legs again and I have discovered that those bloody hormonal hairs are back!!! Son of a b!tch chemo... could you not have kept those! I still don't have armpit hair, I do have lovely dark eyebrows again, I don't have nasal hair, I do have my lady hairs, but for the love of god, could you not have kept the odd chin and moustache hair.... sigh.....

So before we rejoice and think I'm back to normal, unfortunately we still have some side effects from the lovely chemo, and also radiation fatigue has well and truly kicked in. With the chemo, my nails are still trying to repair themselves and 10 weeks post chemo one nail has decided to turn blackish. Toenails are still a mess, and I'm still not sure I won't lose one of the big ones. My legs have finally stopped aching and I'm starting to walk more. Standing is still an issue, so bum on chair happens a fair bit. My tastebuds while improved, still leave me with an unpleasant aftertaste half to and hour later, even to the point of nausea. I can't stand the smell of bread cooking!!???  Somethings I still can't bear to go near. Cups of tea are a right off, I usually only drink 1/3 of a cup of coffee, my sweet tooth has taken a beating, biscuits are terrible. Chocolate and sweets, nope. All of these really are a good thing, as I still need to lose more weight for the doctors to be happy for my long term health (despite losing about 8 kilos all up so far). But my brain still wants a sweet after a meal. I guess I have to get used to being a savoury tooth now... after 50 years of one habit, it's going to take some time to get used to a new one.

The radiation to my neck has left me with a constant sore throat with a golf ball inside making swallowing interesting. The doctor keeps asking if I'd like some painkillers to help, but I told him I just need to learn to put less in my mouth and chew my food properly! He thought that was funny. I just don't want to take any more pills.

I'm working on healing my gut. I've got my probiotics, I'm taking charcoal tablets to help get rid of the toxins, and my lovely boss/gp told me the other day that I'm looking the best I have for a long time. That really made my day.  Now if I could just get through the day without a 2 hour "nap" and stay awake longer than 8.30pm, I'd be happy.  Can't have it all though....... just yet!

Spring has sprung... and so has my hair!!!

Week in, week out, I have at least one dream of a night time, of my hair growing, or having long wavy locks. To say that I'm obsessed about my hair is probably a little bit of an understatement. Like looking at Donald Trumps "hair" I am found regularly in the bathroom, examining my scalp for signs of new sprouts!!!  And it is happening! Even the family checks out the new growth when they see me. We're all eagerly anticipating the arrival of a full head of hair!!!

What is concerning me at the moment although, is the apparent way that its coming back.                 At the  moment, I look as though I'd fit in at the old fellows bowls club! It's all around the back and sides.... and seemingly sparse on the top. As to the colour, there is a lot of grey, but there is also a fair bit of black. I'm watching with different levels of jealousy, the other ladies who are going through this and are "ahead" of me (pun intended) who are now sporting a really cute short pixie cut style of hair. I've decided to embrace the nana side of me when it returns, and jazz it up a bit if they still make Magic Silver Rose. I'll give the greys a bit of a pink tinge. For you young ones, it's what your great (or even great great) grandma's would put in their hair to give them that lovely pink or blue colour. Hence the term "blue rinse set".
 I will avoid a Dame Edna look. I just don't have those glasses anymore :)








So this week I start week 3 of radiation treatment. The skin is bearing up okay so far, with just a bit of tightness and tingling around the decolletage area (again for the men and the young ones, the area of the neck under the chin down to the chest) The is my already sun damaged area, so I'm wondering if that is making things worse. I was advised by the lovely radiation staff to use "Moo Goo Udder Cream" liberally. It's made by a lovely Aussie company from Burleigh Heads. Their products are all natural and they send out samples to a lot of the radiation treatment Doctors, and also donate products from their Dusty Girls range of natural cosmetics, to the Look Good Feel Better workshops. If you spot their products in health shops or some of the pharmacies, please try them out. I'm finding them to be particularly good.

One side effect I didn't enjoy last week was a sore throat that progressed to something akin to a lump in the back of my throat that made swallowing food very difficult and painful. I got to the point of wondering if the next 6 weeks or so would end up seeing me on liquid meal replacements. The upside being that most of these are low calorie, so I would be doing myself a bit of a favour and hopefully losing a few more kilos that the boss/doctor would like to see come off. I need to get my weight down a bit more, to be at my optimal health and fitness and help keep me healthy and well and keep this nasty disease from rearing its ugly head again. Luckily, the lump feeling has eased, but food and I still don't completely get along. The brain is saying eat biscuits, cake, sweet stuff like I used to. But if I give in, the tastebuds revolt about half an hour later I have this awful taste in my mouth, and if I'm lucky enough I'll feel, not exactly nauseous, but just yuk for a while after eating. I guess I have to get used to going from a sweet tooth, to a more savoury palete.


I suspect the fatigue they suggested would kick in, has started to show up. I do get a bit tired by mid afternoon, but I'm not yet willing to admit that it's the radiation.

Today I'm off to have my neck CT Scan so they can map the last week of my treatment. That week will see radiation only to the area of my neck that the cancer spread to. I also get to wear a specially made mask to hold my head and neck in place so that the treatment is very accurate. It will also be a higher dose of radiation, so I can expect more burning to that area. Better stock up on the moo goo.




So for the next 4 weeks, we just spend our days, pottering around the house and waiting on daily appointments. It's an exciting life (insert sarcastic tired tones). But at least it's not chemo!!!!

Radiation has started! And.... before and after chemo.

This week I started my radiation therapy. Compared to chemotherapy, this is a walk in the park. However, it will come with it's own set of challenges, and "compromises" as my very nice Radiation Oncologist puts it. I go every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays for 6 weeks, and all up the whole process takes between 30 - 40 minutes. The staff are just lovely, and spend about 10 minutes or so making sure I'm in exactly the same position each time, apologising for their cold hands as the pull and push me into the right spot. Then they run to what I call their bunker, to avoid the "rays" as the machine moves around me and shoots me with the radiation. 

For now, I have no side effects and in fact, the last couple of days, I've felt the best I have in months. My muscles are all very stiff and sore and I can't believe how inflexible I've become. It's time to drag out the pilates/yoga dvd I was given by the Breast Cancer Network at the beginning of this adventure and try to go from feeling like an 80 year old, back to a youngish 51 year old. If I spend too much time on my feet, my ankles swell so it's a balancing act between doing something and not over doing it. My tastebuds still are out of wack, although some days are better than others. I still tire easily, I have three iffy fingernails that I reckon I'll lose thanks to the chemo. My left hand nails smelt absolutely horrible for a couple of weeks as the nails started to separate from the nail bed. They needed a fair bit of care to get them feeling healthy again. I've lost feeling in the tips of my fingers, and my hands have ached continuously like I am riddled with arthritis. My handwriting looks like a preschoolers', and don't even ask me to open those stupid clip lock bags... it usually ends in tears or me cracking the you know whats and using scissors instead. I'm hoping that given time, these poor hands will get back to what they were. I miss my craft.

The side effects of the radiation to come, will be sunburn to the area (breast, armpit and neck) The breast and neck will both receive a higher dose for a week each, just to be sure that any lurking little cells that may have escaped the clutches of the chemo so I have to be extra vigilant in those areas and keep up the special moisturiser several times a day, and be careful of the sun and hope it doesn't blister, or it doesn't blister too badly. There are risks involved with radiation, and especially when they give you a higher dose. There can be damage to the lung and the heart. I do worry about my ribs and collarbone, so I must remember to ask about that when I speak with Dr Wong (radiation oncologist) next Friday. He touches base with me at the end of each week. 

My CT body scan, and bone scan was completed before I started radiation, and compared with the ones done just before I was to have the mastectomy, but was sent off to chemo instead. In this latest test, they flagged a few nodes in my armpit as being a little enlarged (I think it was) but anyway, they were a little different to the first scan. We had a discussion about that on Friday with Dr Wong and he agreed with my thoughts that they were basically pissed off nodes that had had the cancer through them (the cancer had to get to my neck somehow, and they were the likely pathway) I knew that the cancer was in the armpit (axilla) because the cancer had already involved the sentinel nodes. Remember the original surgery (lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy) was to remove the original tumour and see if the sentinel nodes were involved. The sentinel nodes are the first line of defence, and if they weren't involved then the cancer couldn't have gone further. Unfortunately I had heavy deposits in three of the nodes so it made sense that it had already spread through to the nodes in my axilla. Thats why they wanted to do the mastectomy and full axilla clearance. But then the neck issue popped up. 

Anyway, I asked the question that given this new CT scan had highlighted the nodes to the axilla as being different to the first scan, if the next scan after radiation still had them concerned, would it be likely that the surgeons would want to remove them. Apparently that could be the case, and the node in the neck. But the surgery to the node in the neck is very tricky, and would likely be done in Brisbane by Professor Ung. He's the fellow who made the final decision to not do the mastectomy and instead send me to chemo when they found the cancer had spread. I'm not keen to have axilla surgery because of the increased risk of lymphoedema (permanent swelling of the affected arm), and voiced my concerns to the good Dr. But we'll wait and see what the final outcome is once radiation is complete, and tests are done. I guess it's just a reminder that I need to keep my mind open to changes in my course during all of this.

What I really want is to just finish my radiation, heal my body and get back to work in January. I want to put 2016 behind me, and get back to whatever normal feels like next year. But I guess what was normal in 2015 is not going to be my normal in 2017. Already I've had to face so many changes and find that inner strength to cope with them. By far the biggest challenge has been in my appearance. I really feel I've aged about 20 years. My loving and patient husband tells me how beautiful I am every single day, and I love him for it, but when you look in the mirror and on a bad day, feel like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family, it's sometimes hard to find the old me in there, let alone, feel beautiful. Makeup is a wonderful thing, and helps me feel more normal, but during chemo, I was often too sick, too tired, too in pain to care and take the time to paint on a face. Then there's the whole "no hair" issue. While I've not used my wig as I find it uncomfortable, sometimes it's just been easier to stay home than fight with a scarf, so I've found myself being more reclusive than I used to be. The hair is slowly making its return, and I keenly watch the ladies I've met who are ahead of me post chemo and their lovely hair making a comeback. My fluff is getting longer, but it's nowhere thick enough yet for me to venture out in public without some sort of coverage and my eyebrows still need to be drawn on. 

I want you all to see, the full effect chemo has on a person, and take your own health very very seriously. Aside from my weight loss (which is really a good thing for me, but each treatment I would lose between 4-5 kilos in a week, then slowly put most of it back on) my skin is so dry, I have puffy fluid type bags under each eye, and with no hair or eyebrows,I really do feel like I've aged. So as per my promise to be "warts and all about this" the photos below show my face before chemo, and as of today. Hopefully, by Christmas, Santa will bring me a hairstyle probably shorter and eyebrows, but close to the first photo. Please Santa... I've been a really good girl I promise :)

Good News Week :)

I got a phone call today that was sooooooooooo good, I decided it wasn't just good news day, it was GOOD NEWS WEEK!

I'm waiting on a call or letter to advise my new start date for radiation therapy given that my last chemo was cancelled. This afternoon, my radiation oncologist called and I was expecting him to tell me when I was starting (albeit a bit strange for the Doctor himself to call) but apparently what he needed to do was talk to me about the node in my neck where the cancer spread. For those interested or looking for new scrabble or crossword words, the area is technically called Supraclavicula fossa.

Now naturally, I got a tad nervous because, well, we are talking about the area the cancer spread outside of the breast and I did just have a scan to map and plan my radiation treatment. What I wasn't expecting was to be asked to come in for him to physically examine me and show him where the lump originally was, because in his words, the chemo worked too well, and they can't find the node that the cancer invaded!!!!

WELL, blow me down and call me excited. That was as good as saying to me... it's okay Donna, we got it all. I had been worrying about this area as I have residual swelling (aka a pissed off gland) and despite the surgeon, the oncologist and my own boss/gp all physically checking it and telling me that they couldn't find any lump, as any cancer patient/survivor will tell you, ANYTHING worries us.

Now if just had the taste buds for a glass of bubbly..... or if I had in fact any alcohol at all... I'd be having a quiet celebratory drink. Alas though, the kidneys need a good flush so good old H2O it will be. Yay me!

Well, I have always said in this journey, you should only plan ahead as far as the next appointment or test. Today was to be my last chemo day. Because I have had this stupid virus for the last week, and I knew from the blood tests done at the hospital last Wednesday that I was a bit anaemic, but the white cell count was okay enough for me to be let home, I was still going in to chemo today with an open mind that if yesterdays blood tests weren't great, that I may have my last chemo put off a week to let me recover.

What I wasn't expecting was them to make the decision after discussing the fatigue issues, the pain in my legs and a few other things, that after consulting with the oncologist that they decided that enough was enough. So not only did I NOT have chemo today, but that I was done with Chemo for good!

Not going to lie, I did burst into tears. Happy tears mainly. Of course my brain went straight to "well have I had enough chemo to kill this bastard?" Thankfully the lovely nurses reassured me that I have been given quite heavy doses, and I do remember the oncologist saying that he was giving me the greater of the required levels, and so by this stage, the cancer should be by all accounts done and gone. They also reassured me that cancelling the last chemo is a common thing. I think I remember them saying that I was the 4th in the last week that this has happened to.

So we popped into the radiation clinic and let them know because I was to start radiation 3 - 4 weeks after my last chemo. Well I'm now already at week 3 so they will review my scan this afternoon and call me with a new start date for radiation. The idea of the radiation is to target the localised area of the cancers and mop up anything left behind. My radiation oncologist discussed having a full body scan at the end of radiation, which was contrary to the chemo oncologist saying that it wasn't done routinely. Now more than ever, I think I will push to have that done, just so the little worry wort part of the brain doesn't go into anxiety overload. Time to also make an appointment with the lovely social worker too I think.

All in all I'm pretty much doing a happy dance. Because from now, I can concentrate on healing my gut, and healing my body. My energy levels will increase for a few weeks till the radiation hits that on the head again. But no more crappy steroids, I won't spend the next couple of weeks feeling like crap, my taste buds will return (down side is I will really need to concentrate on eating healthy as I have about another 7 kilos to lose for the boss/gp to be happy and me to be happy that my body is in better shape and health)

Stage one of kicking cancers butt down, done and dusted!!!!!!..... bring on stage two!!!!!

Just a Little Glow Worm!!!

Today was my scheduled appointment with my radiation oncologist to get the ball rolling for my treatment once I finish chemo next week...... which nearly got derailed last night.

Apparently I just can't get enough of the emergency department. But thankfully this time I got there under my own steam :)  

Chemo patients have a golden rule they have to adhere to, and if we get a temperature of 38 we have to head off to hospital. So after a couple of days of an annoying cough, and hoping it was just an annoying asthma cough, I started to feel a bit warm so took my temp.... sure enough, I was 37.5  By 7.30pm I'd reached 38.3 so after finishing dinner (cos it's never a quick trip when it's the hospital) we headed in. I have to say, they are so lovely, and considerate when it comes to chemo patients. They kept me away from everyone else sitting there, got me to a two bed cubicle and made sure anyone who came in wasn't contagious and made sure I was comfortable while they stuck me with a crappy cannula (I reeeealllly sook at cannula's) Thankfully my white cell count was acceptable, ruling out infection, and chest x-ray and pee test was good, so it was decided whatever was going on was viral and semi reluctantly, they let me home as long as I behaved myself at home, and presented back there if I felt worse. My temp has been up again a bit this afternoon, but paracetamol has it under control and I feel a bit better, so hopefully it will resolve itself by tomorrow.

Back to my radiation oncology visit.

Today really reminded me that on this wonderful journey, you really need to take it one appointment at a time. The original plan was for 5 weeks of daily radiation treatment (weekends off) But the good doctor has decided to extend it by another week. Apparently recent studies have shown that younger women (awww bless his little socks) do well if the original site is targeted solely for an extra week. So I have an appointment straight after my chemo next Wednesday at St Stephen's Imagery, for my CT planning scan. They will put little tattoo marks to identify the radiation areas... yes I'm going to be a tattoo wearing grandma, and then radiation starts September 19th.

So there you have it.... starting mid September, I'll be a little glowing glow worm.... well, not really, but it's a cute analogy.

Bit of a Mixed Bag

Just back from the Chemo Oncologist today, and I have to admit while it was a good visit, it was a bit of a mixed bag kind of visit.

As usual, I managed to throw him a curly question and just prove how different chemo affects everyone individually. This chemo drug, Docetaxel causes pain that focuses on muscle and bone, yet during the days I suffer that, it also feels like someone is ripping my ovaries out. Yep, he didn't have an answer for that one lol. Also I told him my hair was definitely coming back... he just smiled at me. But I know it's getting fluffier.

The one downside to the visit, was my question about having a top to toe type scan once this and the radiation therapy was done to ensure I was cancer free. Apparently it is not routinely done. They know and are confident that the chemo is doing its job as they cant feel the tumour in my neck and haven't been able to for a long time. I have to admit that sat me back on my butt quite a bit. I think I was looking forward to having that piece of paper at the end of all this that said 100% you are cancer free. I will be having a mammogram and ultrasound in January (I might make sure they ultrasound the neck as well) but that will be it. I know from the initial body and bone scan that the cancer was no where else in my system, and as he said, I've been given a big dose of chemo and that's gone through the whole body to seek out any nasties. The radiation will be a big dose too, and that will focus on the localised sites of my breast, my neck and my armpit.

So I have to take that leap of faith, and also as he said, be vigilant with my health, my weight and my fitness. And be vigilant with symptoms. Again, he reminded me that cancer pain is persistent, doesn't resolve and is unusual. So they will watch for that at each of my checkups.

One thing I didn't know and was relieved about was that being triple negative, IF there was to be a re occurrence of cancer  (ie a secondary cancer)  (and that's a big if ) it will happen in the first 3 years.... and as each of those years pass, the likelihood is less and less. So unlike those who are hormone positive I wont have to wait 5 years to get an all clear. YAY. Got to find the positives and in the words of George Michael's song Faith  ... well... "you gotta have faith"  Think I might make it my ring tone :)



George Michael - "Faith"

Nearly There!!! Chemo Tomorrow and Slight Dummy Spit

So this is my grand daughter Lilly. She had a bit of a dummy spit this past week as things didn't go quite the way she wanted. I sympathise Miss Lilly as I had a bit of a dummy spit myself this week.

You see, this current chemo drug is fairly shitting me to tears as I have lost my taste buds. I have this metal/acidic taste in my mouth 24/7. And while I can smell a delicious cup of coffee, or a lovely dinner cooking, I take the first bite or sip and think, that's not too bad and then WHAMMY... aftertaste and it all goes down hill from there. I may as well eat cardboard. It would be much more pleasant.  I see all these gorgeous meals on facebook and think... well that would be lovely, if it didn't taste like a big ole pile of poo to me. So I wade through the weeks, trying this food, and rejecting it. I pour a cup of tea, make it strong and sweet, and through half away (and that's on a good day) I chuck it out. Some days it's chicken with cheese and sweet chilli sauce toasted in a wrap, for lunch and dinner, because I just can't stomach anything else.  So much for healing my body during this process with good whole and real foods... pffft... most days I spend an hour feeling peckish... thinking what the hell do I even want..... and just giving up. I can taste every chemical in food especially if it's been sweetened with artificial sweetener (which I've never really liked in the first place)

I know, its third world problems... but I love food (which explains why I've done Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, that french diet, the Tony Ferguson shake diet and on the odd occasion have been known to join a gym - a rare sight. There's more chance of spotting a unicorn frolicking down the main street.

What I did find last time and this time, is that by some miracle, the tastebuds return for one day. ONE WHOLE FREAKING DAY... almost. I can drink water, I can taste most of an evening meal, I can enjoy nearly a whole cup of tea!!!!!   and then....... I start the steroids for chemo the next day.... and bang, the side effect of those tablets... is a horrible taste in the mouth.  Sigh........ Back to square one.

So I've looked at the calender and I've checked the dates... and September 12th, should be a good day..... the tastebuds should start to fire up again, and hopefully thanks to no further chemo and steroids I'm hoping they'll improve. It would be nice to go out and have a cup of coffee that I can enjoy. And a big hamburger. Oh that would be lovely. I can foresee a bit of an issue here.. I may have to join that gym again! Luckily, I am losing a little bit of weight each round!

On that note, I have the hospital physio coming to see me during my chemo tomorrow. On a more serious side, I've really struggled this round. Walking to the veggie garden or the letter box has left me feeling quite wrecked and weakened. I've been trying my best, walking regularly around the 5 acres, but where once I'd fairly sprint around and leave Rick in my wake (which is a bit mean given he needs two knew knees) I'm finding I'm asking him to slow up and wait, and needing a little rest when walking from front paddock to back. So this lovely lady is coming tomorrow to talk about a program that will start when I'm nearly done with my radiation therapy, to see if I can join the and help me gain some level of fitness again.

I've also struggled with queasiness that's ever present. I've blamed the taste bud saga, but I do wonder if it's actually stemming from my gut health (given that it's being shot to pieces with each chemo treatment) I'm a strong believer that our gut health is the basis of our general health, So I'm working on helping that along the best I can.

My poor red hands.

My hands and nails have given me more trouble this time. I had one lovely lady who sympathised, hit the nail on the head when she said it feels like your hands/nails have been caught in a door. The pain in my hands make it difficult to use them. The pain in the nails even makes it hard to type, scratch, and generally most task that involve finger tips (and that even cutting them short!)  and if i accidently bang them on something... OUCH.  I can't even start peeling a mandarin. Then there's this weird redness that hits about day ten. Just on the peripheral on the outside of the palm and up the edge of the little finger. It reacts in hot water like a burn does. This time its much worse. I didn't take vitamin B this round as I'd run out, so I'm off to get some more tomorrow to hopefully see an improvement.


Anyway, I could spend another half hour whinging about the watery eyes, blurred vision, dry skin, and puffy bags under the eyes... but that's enough whinging for one night. I don't have peripheral neuropathy, I don't have the skin on my feet peeling off nor do I have the horrible pain in my feet many have. I don't have to face the prospect of a mastectomy that many go through all this and still have to face. I may not have my eyebrows or lashes anymore, but I do have fuzz growing back on my head, despite my oncologist saying it's not possible. I do enjoy proving him wrong!

I guess my biggest dummy spit is how bloody useless I feel. Thank god for a loving and patient husband who gets things done around the house and family that is so supportive and understanding, and friends who are just bloody amazing. So next time Miss Lilly has a dummy spit, I might just sit on the floor with her and join in.

Many Hands and Hearts Make Great Days and Spirits Soar.

On Sunday I was so lucky to be well enough to head off and enjoy the spectacle of 50 horses and riders, who gathered together to remember and celebrate the life of a local horsewoman, taken too soon from the community last year. 

The theme of the day was black and white (White for Domestic Violence Awareness) and the morning started with a minute silence and the release of white balloons and one purple one for June. Now anyone who has seen horses at a show will recognise that when you line up a heap of horses, you'll have the calm ones standing there, and then half a dozen or so horses off to the side, jig jogging sideways, forwards and generally giving their riders a challenge to stand still, due to a variety of reasons. Throw in the bobbing balloons, well, lets just say I was waiting for a couple of riders dismounting and holding their horses in place.

But not this day. Those horses lined up, stood their ground as quiet embraced the grounds and we stood, a tear in our eye but with love in our hearts. The balloons were let go and they made their way gently on the breeze, to the stars, to June. I think she definitely had a word with those horses that day. 

It was a very long day, competition was fierce, but so much support amongst the riders. If someone was having an issue, there were many willing hands to encourage or hop off and help. Miss Lilly had a lovely time, shared between Aunty Kellie and Aunty Donna and me. Her daddy was riding his beloved Bubbalicious (in Luke's own words) - "You think my main mare would have a tougher name than Bubbalicous" and her mummy was busy helping other riders, and getting the chance a lot of new mum's crave, and enjoying some adult conversation. 

We were so thrilled that Luke won an inaugural challenge done in June's memory. So next year he'll have to drag Bubba out of the paddock and defend their title. 

It's a marvellous thing when a community comes together to support one and other. I also felt some of that support during my rare day out, with many coming up to say hello, having a chat, helping me get from spot a to spot b. I slept well that night, and felt happy to be part of such a lovely day. 

Some photos from the day courtesy of the lovely Mrs Donna Norman.

  

Just keep swimming... just keep swimming .....

  Well I'm day 6 post chemo. 2 of this new drug down, 2 to go. I remember when my oncologist said to me, "this will be completely different from your previous treatments" I thought, yep, I got this. Definitely can handle a bit of pain over nausea..... yep. no drama... sigh.... When will I learn. Thankfully after last month's faceplant on the bathroom floor, trying to make sure I had undies appropriately placed by the time the ambos got there, we were better prepared, and we discussed different pain relief measures to prevent a repeat performance. And we managed to avoid all that. I even got a little smug and thought, hmmm this pain isn't quite as bad as last time.... then Sunday night hit. Suffice to say that me and my high horse about taking certain strong painkillers got a reminder that sometimes its just whatever gets you through. I kicked that soapbox to the kerb.

I still do not like these heavy duty drugs at all. I fail to see exactly what the druggies get out of them. I do not like feeling left of centre, hung over and just plain weird (though some will debate that I have probably been a bit left of centre and weird a few times in my life.) Jokes aside, constant bone and muscle pain is... well a pain. It's tiring, it's debilitating and frustrating that I can't do the simplest of things. Try popping a little tablet out of a blister pack when the tips of your fingers just throb and have no strength. I literally push my nail into the foil (which hurts like a bitch because my nails ache like I've had the cruelest and roughest manicure known to man) and try and cut a circle so that the panadol hopefully falls out. Or I have to ask Rick to do it for me.

I'm tired of being tired. Chemo is on Wednesdays, and I literally sleep part of Thursday and all day Friday and Saturday. I'm frustrated because every time I get up (which usually takes several goes) Rick feels he has to watch and check I'm okay and that I'm not going to end up on the floor. I'm tired of being so weak after a shower, that I can't finish drying myself and again, Rick dries me and dresses me. I then spend the next half hour sitting on the couch because I'm stuffed. I can't take a deep breath without feeling as though I've just run a marathon. It takes a week before I can walk from our house to our veggie garden, a mere 50 metres, and when I get there, I have to sit, catch my breath and then make my way back. It takes me so long each time, to get any level of fitness back. By the time I get so I can vacuum the floor of our little cottage, or walk to the mail box and back, or go shopping with Rick (because I still don't completely trust him to buy exactly what I want) it's time to do it all again.

And while I only have two more chemo treatments to go........ I still have two more chemo treatments to go.

And then I remind myself, I am winning this battle. There is no choice.  I'll just keep swimming.

Whoops and Yay! and Bugger it's Cold!

 So.... Scott of the Antarctic has arrived... and his timing was OFF! Apparently, on Saturday night, when it was FOOFING cold, a simple trip to the loo in the middle of the night turned into a bit of a drama Llama situation.  So let's back up a bit to the beginning.

Wednesday I started the new chemo treatment regime with my new poison Docetaxal. With a new drug, we have new symptoms and also there's the unknown on how I react. Day 1 and Day 2 of chemo were good and a relief from previous treatments where I would be instantly sick. I was however, very tired instantly and lots of nana naps and not making it much past 7.30 at night. But I was able to get lots of water into my system to help hydrate and flush everything out. Day 3 (Friday) I started to get the muscle and bone pain that we were warned about and paracetamol was helping. Pain was (and still is) mainly in the long bones and muscles in the legs. Saturday the pain kicked up quite a notch and not getting much relief, but despite having panadeine  forte I was reluctant to take it because of the unwanted side effects (for the uninitiated... lets just say its like passing concrete) but by bed time I'd had enough and needed a break from the persistent aches and pains. So I popped into bed, took the tablets and went to sleep.

About 1am as one does when its freezing cold, I thought it a good idea to toddle off to the loo. And that's where my recollection ends and Rick tells me what happens. 'Cos Nek Minut (for the older or less facebooky - you tube Nek Minut) I'm on the floor, being covered with blankets (or whatever he could get his hands on) by Rick and him telling me the ambulance was on it's way. Funnily enough I thought, yeah, I'll just lie here for a minute. Was all a bit surreal. I've fainted before but nothing like this.

What I do remember is two things, trying to ask Rick where my undies were (one really must try and retain some sense of decorum in ANY situation) and trying to tell the Ambos I was cytotoxic. This means that no one can touch any fluids I may lose during the first week of chemo. I managed to get that out and I remember the fellow saying that its okay, their uniforms repel all things. Gotta have a sense of humour I guess when a half dressed bald woman is lying on the floor trying to make sense and not succeeding. And I swear I hadn't had a drop to drink!

Anyhoo long story short. Trip to hospital, lots of blankeys... those poor Ambos should have hot chocolate machines in their trucks for nights like those! Then transferred into the care of a busy ED at the hospital. I really can't remember much of the first few hours. I remember the nurse trying to take bloods had lovely warm hands, I remember Brian one of my main nurses kept checking if Rick needed a hot tea of coffee, I remember lovely warm blankets. At handover I saw lots of poor nursing staff come in absolutely freezing due to the drop in temp. Rick had gone home to get me some clothes (apparently a T shirt and knickers wasn't going to keep me warm from the hospital bed to the car) and he said he couldn't believe the drop in the temperature just on dawn.

I take my hat off to these guys. They work no matter the weather, with such compassion. They have to deal with dickheads and addicts and rudeness that's undeserved.

All bloodwork came back normal so it was decided that the face plant onto the bathroom floor was due to a drop in blood pressure. So I have been watched by the family, closer than the USA is watching Julian Assange!

Moving forward to yesterday, and after my trip to the surgical clinic for a check up (will come back to that) I popped in to my lovely boss/gp for a check up and because of an infected finger. We went over everything that happened and came to the conclusion that it may have been the codeine in the panadeine forte that tipped me over the edge... literally. I don't do well on codeine normally and have always been careful taking it, but I guess the cancer/chemo combination has made me extra sensitive... so away in the drawer it goes. Will try a different regime for the next chemo treatment to manage the pain.

Back to the appointment with my original surgical team who did the initial surgery. Basically it was a review to see how I was travelling, how the wounds were healing, and to see where I was heading. I was very relieved to hear, that the general team decision (at this stage, because we all know how things can change) is that, pending my scans at the end of radiation therapy (end of October) and a mammogram and ultrasound at the end of the year, a mastectomy is NOT in my future.   WOOO FREAKING HOOO!!!   After months of chemo and then 5 weeks of radiation I am pretty confident that I will be done physically and mentally. So my goal is still to return to work early in January pending my immune system being back up and running. I will start working on that as soon as chemo is done. Magic date for that is August 24th! I will not allow any delays or changes. Only three to go and so the goal line is in sight.

Beating Cancer with Well Wishes Alone!!

Well tomorrow is a big day. Treatment number 5 of 8! New chemo drug.. supposedly no nausea, but fatigue will be a big fat issue (because it wasn't before???? - insert sarcastic note to that statement), muscle pain, (hopefully not too bad) and again issues at the loo....sigh.....  There are some other issues that can occur, so to protect my nails I've had to paint them with a strengthener and then put black nail polish over the back.... So along with taking the hair off my head, I could lose the nails on my hands and feet... gee thanks for that. Another lovely issue I have to watch for is peripheral neuropathy in the hands and feet. So to sum up, I'm a nude nut, with gothic tendencies (black nail polish) that possibly will drop things and trip over things..... Lovely. But looking for the plus, I only have 9 weeks left!!! Thank f*&k for that.

I've found this last round so taxing. I think Mum picked it when she said to me the other day, that I changed after the dash to Brisbane to fix the port in my chest. I've been quieter, more depressed, more anxious and more reluctant to go out to the world. This time, my anxiety around the next chemo kicked in sooner. So the tears were at the forefront more. I've tried to prepare for this next round, by pushing the last 4 treatments and their awful side effects, to the back of my mind, and given we have a new drug tomorrow, treat this one as though its my first treatment.

I have an appointment with my original surgeon on Monday. I'm hoping it's just to check on me and not to discuss any further surgery. The oncologist doesn't believe surgery is in my future. So I guess we'll see what he says.

So while this has been a sucky sucky round, I've tried hard to focus on the positives in my life and remind myself how lucky I am. Yes this situation sucks, but during this process I've had a lot of lucky moments. Finding the lump early, being in the hands of a very good boss/doctor, a caring surgeon and oncologist (and even having a professor as part of my care team) finding the lump in my neck before being carted off to surgery which would have delayed the chemo treatment and allowed this bad boy to spread further. And the biggest lucky part is that this is just a big ole bump in the road. When people say to me, how awful this is, and unfair that it is, they are correct. It's shit. There's no denying that. But then I see people who have an illness that they will endure for the rest of their lives, or families for whatever reason, are no longer together for the rest of their lives, or parents who have endured the loss of a child.... that is forever. My situation is only for now. And to remind me further how lucky I am, I have a drawer that has a gazzillion cards from family and friends, I've received beautiful flowers and gifts from the loveliest people (some I have not even met in person!), and last week I received two pages of well wishes from patients at work, wishing me well and sending their love and support.

This reminds me, that I am very, very lucky.

Nothing Like a Big Ole Drama Llama

Well, that was a bit of fun. For those of you not in Facebook land, you missed all the drama. Late last week, due to an issue with my chemo port, I was airlifted to the Royal Brisbane to have the problem fixed. So I got to have a flight in the Royal Doctors Flying Service plane (35 mins to Brisbane... thanks can I do that in future?! No roadworks in the air) Had a ride in an ambulance... never done that before, and sat in numerous wheelchairs. Talk about overkill! I think the ambos and the staff got a bit sick of me whinging about not being allowed to walk. I can see I have the makings for being a crotchety old lady in my senior twilight years.

I can't thank the staff at the Royal Brisbane enough for their kindness and compassion. They put up with a few meltdowns of mine, brought me cups of tea (when I wasn't fasting) and generally put up with Rick sneaking in at 7am and staying probably past visiting hours.


The main thing is, I'm back on track and chemo will go ahead tomorrow as planned. And that will put me at half way. YAY!  So I'll put my feet up this afternoon, and get ready for the next few days.

Finding the brave! Well.. just a little brave....

Day 9 after chemo. Yesterday was good. I had energy to bring the bins in (I was knackered and Rick wanted to do it but I told him I need the exercise) I also felt more positive than I had in a long time. 

So feeling a bit more brave, and in accordance with advice from my counsellor to stop over thinking things and worrying about everyone else, I decided to embrace my nude nut and let the neighbours see the new me.

Thanks to mother nature's insistence on keeping the cooler weather today, I have been known to throw a bit of a hissy fit each time I have to go out. I have patterned scarves and patterned tops, but I don't have plain scarves and I can't wear them with patterned tops. The wig doesn't fit as well now that I have no hair (should have shaved it then tried it on), so I have to tighten it to fit and then it starts to be uncomfortable, glasses don't slide underneath it to fit comfortably, and its bloody hot thanks to ... oh yeah..... hot flashes thanks to the chemo. Chemo you can kiss my bald ass as well. I'd finished with these things. But no, you decide to bring them back. F You!    Now where was I?? Oh yeah, going out and making sure my head was covered tends to lead to mini meltdowns and running late. 

I had been concerned about how to tell the little ones next door about my hair... the why's and the questions... I had been concerned of frightening them of tales of medicines that make your hair fall out.  So taking the advice of my lovely counsellor, I decided to let them see it and go from them, knowing that their lovely mum would explain anything that troubled them.  We headed off down the front paddock to turn hoses and sprinklers off, and sure enough the kids spotted us and over they ran to the fence calling for us for our usual afternoon chat about what they did that day. So I took a deep breath, let the breeze waft gently through my..... prickles.... and headed over. Half way there they realised something was amiss. All I could hear was  DONNA YOUR HAIR IS MISSING! They thought it was hilarious. So when I got to the fence (it was a big paddock) they were very excited to tell me about my missing hair. I looked at them, put on my most shocked face and replied "My hair is MISSING???!!!!"  I turned to Rick and said "Did you know my hair was missing!!??" The girls giggled and I laughed and asked them if they wanted to touch it. The youngest did, and thought it was funny, the eldest not so much but still lots of giggles, then they decided it was more important to tell me their news from their day. And that was that. Now I can sit at my dam, watch the fish and turtles and ducks and not worry about scaring the bejeesus out of the kids.

It's a shame as adults, we have to over think, second guess and worry about offending others (yes that's a dig at political correctness) It would be nice if we could just acknowledge an issue, then all get back in the sandpit and play nicely together.

So here is my latest selfie. Me and my nude nut enjoying the late afternoon and our veggie garden. One day, I'll be brave enough to say "stuff it" and just head out without a scarf a hat OR a wig!

Big fish!

These two still need to grow a bit

Squirt the turtle!!!! Crush was hiding

Tick Tock

"How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?" Dr. Seuss

Two more sleeps and it's back to oncology for Round 3 of 8 Chemo treatments. The last treatment has certainly been tough, and I've been struggling with asthma this week. It's being watched closely so hopefully that will resolve soon. My weight has come back a bit as well, so that's keeping everyone happy. 

The 20 days waiting in between treatments, is like a cross between running a marathon and then trying to stop a speeding train. And I'm Superwoman, not Superman! I spend 5 - 6 days wishing for time to pass. Waiting for the initial side effects to lessen. Those days are taken up of meds, trying to eat, trying to drink copious amounts of water to wash away the chemo, temperature taking, sleeping, taking more meds, generally an appointment with at least one Doctor. Then I get to day 5 or 6 and the fog starts to lift, and I start to live and move outside of the four walls and not just go between the bed and the couch. I start to enjoy the days a little more. The middle week is like the time after a bad flu, and you're exhausted, and start to eat a little better, willing the legs to walk a little faster and smile a little more. Then it's the down hill run to day 21 and you start to wish to hold back time. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm sitting still and the world is turning without me and I just sit here and mark time.

But then during these times that I spend waiting or wishing, lovely things happen. This week was Mother's Day, so I got to mark my first "Grandmother's Day" and had lovely cuddles with my favourite babies. 

I also received a lovely surprise, while running a competition on our Facebook Horse page. We asked members to nominate their Mum or Mum type person who has been there for them, doing the hard yards at the horsey shows and all the things that go with having horsey kids. Well after the competition finished, there was a post put on our page for me, by a very lovely lady. This is what she wrote.

"Now for a special message for one of our Admins - Donna Fischer, from a very beautiful Mum herself, Melissa Kattenberg

OUR horsey Mumma... 
This lady doesn't ride much, but has spent so much time around horses supporting others. She commits to things wholeheartedly and never backs down from a fight.
When she sees our horse community in need, she doesn't sit on her hands, she acts - creating this very page and initiating a local trail riding club are a few things you may know about.
What you may not know is that this strong, amazing woman will message me wherever I am in the world to give me strength, courage and confidence when mine is failing.
She is fighting the biggest battle she will ever face at the moment and I'm in her corner.
Donna Fischer is a Superhero Horsey Mum to us all and I'm truly grateful and honoured to call her my friend ♡"

So even though, I have some crappy times, and time seems to be both my enemy and my friend, I can still find some really awesome moments within these times, and I am truly blessed.