Claytons Retirement! The retirement you have when you aren't really retired!

So January 19th, I handed back to the lovely Rosie, my keys, told my boss that I wasn't vacuuming the carpet any more and finished up work. My watch battery died, I haven't bothered fixing it. Once upon a time, it drove me NUTS if I didn't know exactly what time it was. Now, my phone lets me know when my appointments are due... anything after that, is not really important. Time can really be irrelevant.  I get to see a psychologist now, (many would say I should have been seeing one years ago) and we are working on remembering to live in the moment and taking time to really focus on what is happening around me. Right now all I focus on is when is it going to bloody rain! All I can smell is bloody dust.

So how are we doing? Well, the initial shock of being told that you're terminal, is wearing off. I am starting to be able to stand back and start to look at things objectively. I told my psychologist, that I'm not in denial, I'm in refusal :)  I refuse to accept their time frame. It's just a number that they've come up with and I'm not willing to accept that number. I am a strong believe in the power of the mind. I'm a strong believer that I will be here longer than what they are predicting. The family is also coming to terms with the shock, and they have embraced as I have, the power of the positive mind. I am putting some things in place so that I can deal with that, and then stick it in a mental box somewhere, and get on with the business of living life. While watching "I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here" I heard Lisa Curry say that she tells people, life is about living not existing, so we are going to be living as much as I possibly can over the next 12 months while my body sorts it's shit out. I have a lot of wonderful people and experts in my corner and I'm so grateful for their positivity.

The beauty about being given a terminal diagnosis, is that I can actually access my life insurance. So we know that no matter the outcome, financially, we're okay. And then I actually get to have a win over the insurance companies! The crap part about being given a terminal diagnosis is bloody paperwork!!! Man I think I've filled out reams and reams of paperwork. I have to mention though, our insurance company, and the staff at the Cancer Clinic here, are just amazing and constantly checking on us, organising stuff for us so we don't have to, and just bloody incredible people.

I start my second dose of chemo tablets tomorrow, after my catch up with my lovely oncologist yesterday. He was happy with my blood work, a little anaemia, but that's easily sorted with a diet modification. I've been very lucky that I've had minimal side effect from this chemo regime. Fatigue is the biggest thing, loss of appetite, some nausea, and I'm often asleep in the afternoon. But I keep my hair!!!! On a positive note, I have noticed reduced pain in a couple of areas that were flagged as new cancer areas in my scan in January. However, I now have Inflammatory Breast Cancer in the original diseased breast, and aside from back, pelvis hip and leg pain, the breast is the biggest issue for me. For any ladies out there who have had mastitis from breast feeding, my whole breast is like one big red hot swollen mess like mastitis is. I get pain in it like someone poking a hot needle in and out. The breast is hard and honestly looks like a really dodgy breast implant. But I'm still hopeful that after another chemo dose we might see some improvement there. It does cause me a lot of discomfort, and sleep difficulties.

Some people have asked, how long I'm staying on this chemo tablet regime (which is 2 weeks on and 1 week off) Well the official answer to that is simple. I'm on meds till they stop working. It's as simple as that. However, I have had news that I am being accepted into a trial in Brisbane of all places. We were prepared to pretty much pack up and go anywhere, but lo and behold, it will be close to home. There are some catches though. Firstly, I have to get worse before I start the trial. They have to see progression of the disease. I'm having my next full body scans in about 5 weeks or so, and to be honest, Rick and I have said we won't be surprised if there is further progression of the disease from the recent ones just done. Remember this is a very very fast moving aggressive cancer. I went from cancer free to cancer spread through the skeletal system in 9 weeks.  But we will wait and see. Also, this is a blind trial. That means I may get the new trial drug or I will get the current standard protocol for chemotherapy for my current situation. I believe it was explained to me, that if the disease continues to progress, and it's determined I'm not getting the new drug, then I go straight onto it. So either way, they cover it.

So if you are checking on me with any of my friends and family, and they say, "she's fine" don't be shocked, because I am okay and they're all with me, as I know you all are, on the big positivity train. The pity train has left the station.... I decided not to get on board.